SoulByThePound

love is so complex. why does it hurt so much even when its all good it still hurts but its a good pain. idk if that makes sense. but when something good happens that i didnt expect my chest gets heavy and my eyes water. like ive been waiting for so long to be loved how i love him and i kinda felt like it was all happening and then all of a sudden a few words ruined it all. and then my chest felt heavy again but it wasnt the good one. i dont understand love but if i did.. would i even want it?… would it even be appealing?… i am tired of what love does to me but at the same time i feel like nothing without love. if its not around i feel alone and empty. i guess thats why i miss you even when your here because your here but the love isnt. you could be holding me but the love isnt there. maybe it is but i cant feel it. because idk if its just me but i believe theres one person for you. and ONLY ONE. and when you find them nothing else should matter just you and them. together. but so many other things matter to you and i dont mind that you care about things but why am i the last thing on your mind? like i havent proved myself to you? i mean its been 3 years i think i deserve to come first… love is when you give me all of you and i give you all of me. no exceptions… there is always someone that loves the other person more. and unfortunately that person is me. the other day i read a quote that said “i crave a love so deep the ocean would be jealous.” and i cant get that out of my head cause i want that kind of love that he wants to be with me every day. but in my situation its not a good thing to see him every day.. and apparently i am too affectionate. but whats so bad about giving your man a hug or wanting to sit next to him. why is that too much.. like i didnt go to your house to not chill with you. i obviously came to be with you.. next time i wont go. next time i wont hug you. 

the only negative thing about being in a relationship for so long is the fact that ONE PERSON is going to change. and its not gonna be good… one person always gets too comfortable to a point where you go visit them and they dont even give you a kiss hello.. im sorry.. when i leave you at night i miss your presence. i look forward to the next day BECAUSE of you. BECAUSE after a certain point in a relationship you invite that person into your life and they become a big part of it because in a relationship that other person is not only your girlfriend/boyfriend they are also your partner, your friend, your shoulder to cry on, your ROCK. The person you can run to. 

i can count my friends using only my left hand. well atleast my true friends.. i can tell a real from a fake because ive encountered many fake bitches throughout my life. i know im young but im so lucky i got to have some bad friends that opened up my eyes. so when i see my boyfriends “friends” come out of no where and then all of a sudden theyre a priority higher then i am i get so upset because where were they when he didnt have a ride? where were they when he needed a tow? where were they when he was stranded with no gas? lost in the fucking wind. but you know what i love my other half so much that i get along with them all. 

love can be so beautiful but it can be so dreadful at the same time. i wish someone would understand what goes on in my head. i have a lot of shit to say and theres people to listen and i know care but i feel like a problem. he has made me accustomed to not sharing what im thinking because he feels like im a nuisance. so i write everything in my composition book but lately.. i havent even been feeling like even sharing my feelings with myself… until now. idk in 5 minutes this feeling will all go away but itll stay on my mind.  but sh dont say anything. its COOOOOOO